Community Independence of Texas is all about creating a permanent semi-independent community for adults at Level 1 on the autism spectrum and we are enthusiastic about this project coming to fruition! However, this article addresses something a bit different. Often parents or family members are embarrassed (and silent) about the fact that they are, in their hearts and minds, instinctually fine with their ASD loved one continuing to live with them as an adult. However, they feel like they should NOT be fine with that and worry they are utterly failing their loved one by not finding a way to somehow push them out on their own. If this is not you – if either your loved one is not home or you are actually kind of panting for them to move out – then please feel free to stop reading right here! For everyone else, read on . . .
Although we are certainly seeking to create a long-term solution for our children’s independence, my husband and I have struggled with the world’s expectations for our children. In the U.S., we live in a world which loudly opines that adult children of any and all abilities residing with parents or other family members IS NOT OK! We must figure out how to move them out! Immediately, if not sooner!
But you know what? The world doesn’t tell us that. Modern American Society tells us that, even when Modern American Society doesn’t exactly practice what they preach. And the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily agree with Modern American Society, either.
Let’s talk about it.
Multigenerational living around the world occurs for a variety of reasons: some cultural, some financial, some supportive. Middle Eastern cultures, in general, value close family relationships. Parents care for and raise their children, and adult children live out their appreciation by staying home to help out as their parents age, including remaining in the home after marriage (usually a wife will move in with her husband’s parents, also remaining supportive of her own parents if there is no son to do so). In parts of Africa and most of South America, the majority of adults live at home until married. Family bonds are highly valued, so even after marriage most couples still choose to live near their families of origin for mutual support and assistance.
In many western cultures, adults continue to live in the parental home or return there for a variety of reasons, some cultural but often economic. The statistical charts of western Europe posted below (from Landgeist.com) speak for themselves. Note the high percentages of adults living with their parents in many countries, even as the age range climbs into the upper 20s and mid-30s. It may be more common in the U.S. and Europe for young adults to wish to move out on their own, but around the world and for a variety of reasons, more countries and cultures than not have a majority of adult unmarried children living with their parents.
Here at home, according to 2021 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, 58% of adults aged 18 to 24 live with parents. Expand that range by 10 years, and a third of adults aged 18 to 34 remain in the family home. Multigenerational living can actually be beneficial if neurotypical adult children exhibit appropriate adult behavior by sharing in-home maintenance and financial responsibilities rather than expecting their aging parents to do all the work of provision. In the case of disabled or special needs adults, remaining at home is often not only beneficial but necessary and can be facilitated by family, friends, and community support agencies.
So my message to all of us who care for adults with disabilities and special needs is this:
Yes, we need to plan for our children’s future. Yes, we absolutely need to make sure that semi-independent living is an option for our special needs children now and/or in the future. Yes, you need to help your children learn to function as responsibly and independently as possible. But right now, you need to know that it’s perfectly fine that your 30 year old autistic daughter and your 25 year old disabled son are still with you. Neither you nor your children are failures, and you are most certainly not alone! Don’t worry about rushing them out the door and don’t let others exert unnecessary pressure. Cherish your family, encourage your special needs adults to live the most successful lives they can, seek help when you need a break and, alongside us and other groups like us, work to provide a future for them after you are gone. Above all, don’t feel pushed to conform to the societal opinions of those who do not share your life.
By Karen Koiner